


leave tonight (or live and die this way)

by enceiles



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, and since i have no self control im just gonna post it, fast car au, this is a lot shorter than i wanted it to be but i don't know what else to add rn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 03:10:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12026862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enceiles/pseuds/enceiles
Summary: Geno had a fast car.





	leave tonight (or live and die this way)

**Author's Note:**

> [fast car](https://youtu.be/uTIB10eQnA0) \- tracy chapman
> 
> [leave tonight spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/oldmankrabs/playlist/33SL2AgsuAZcY3gTTGD6qw)
> 
> beta'd by [softsidney](https://www.softsidney.tumblr.com)

Geno had a fast car. It wasn’t anything special, an old 1995 Ford Taurus that he kept polished and spotless on the outside, even though the inside could always use a good cleaning. Sidney remembers the first time he saw it, when it rolled up to the front of the general store at the end of his shift. The car was red, and it was brighter than anything else in the entire town.

The stranger, with his hands in his pockets, walked in with the chime of the bell hanging over the door, and his eyes flitting around the store as he tried to take in the surroundings. When his eyes finally landed on Sidney, he was already standing at the counter.

“Can I get you something?” Sidney asked, looking at the tall man. The man squinted like he was trying to remember something.

“I’m little bit lost,” he said, voice thick with his accent and disuse. Sidney looked at him and his face, the stubble growing on his jaw and upper lip, the bags under his eyes, the way his warm gaze filled him with a feeling he hadn’t felt in a while.

“Where are you trying to go?” Sidney asked, rummaging behind the counter to pull out the map his boss kept down there for this reason. When Sidney looked up at him, he saw the man shrug.

“I’m just want to know where on map I am. I dunno where I’m want to go,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Oh,” Sidney said, looking down at the map as he finally stretched it out on the counter between them. “Well, uh. You’re here, in Kittanning.” Sidney pointed at where the town name was in small caps. The man nodded.

“Kittanning,” he muttered, brows furrowed. “Is strange name.”

Sidney laughed in surprise.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Sidney said, smiling up at the stranger. Sidney realized suddenly that he wanted to know his name. “If you’re looking for somewhere to go, you should try Pittsburgh. There isn’t really anything to do here,” Sidney said, his smile still playing on his lips.

“No, I’m think this place is okay,” the man said, gaze sitting heavy on Sidney. Sidney swallowed.

“I’m Sidney,” he said stupidly.

“I am Evgeni, but you call me Geno. Is easier,” he said, smiling at Sidney.

Sidney couldn’t help the soft ‘Geno’ that escaped under his breath.

“You say there nothing to do here?” Geno asked, looking around the small store with curiosity.

“Yeah, this is a quiet town. I think there’s a movie theater a few towns over, but people usually just go to the city if they wanna do something,” Sidney said, folding the map back up.

“Is far?” Geno asked, looking back at Sidney. Sidney shrugged.

“I think it’s less than forty five minutes,” Sidney said.

“When you done with work?” Geno asked, leaning his hip against the counter and crossing his arms.

“It’s actually over right now,” Sidney said, chewing on his bottom lip as he thought. “Give me five minutes.”

“Okay,” Geno said, grinning widely at him.

\--------

Sidney never felt more alive than when Geno flew down the 28 with his windows down. After a fleeting glance at Geno, Sidney knew that they were both grinning stupidly, drunk with the freedom they had, to be anywhere and everywhere in Geno’s bright red car. Sidney was giddy, maybe for the first time since he was a child, and he realized what he felt: reckless, stupid, and hungry for his wasted youth.

Pittsburgh was warm, just like it always was this time of year. They spent some time walking through crowded bars and clubs, but Sidney was aching to get back in that car; it was all he could think about, sitting next to a stranger and feeling light as a feather as they sped past the cars meandering next to them.

They walked through the city next to each other, elbows bumping together every other step. They had talked some over their drinks and the pounding music of each venue, but their walks in between were always silent. Sidney was afraid to be the first to talk, in case he said the wrong thing and made Geno leave.

“We go home, maybe?” Geno asked, glancing at him from the corner of his eye. “Is getting late, still have long drive back.” Geno stopped then and turned to look at him and Sidney did the same. Sidney was silent before he realized that Geno was asking him a question.

“Yeah. We can go,” he said, hoping he didn’t sound so eager. Geno picked up on it, though, and he grinned.

“Am I not so good company?” he teased, poking his tongue out from behind his teeth. Sidney rolled his eyes and turned to keep walking.

“No,” he said when Geno quickly caught up with him. “I just like your car.”

Geno laughed, and Sidney didn’t know if it was at his admission or the blush coloring his face.

“Is good, means you have same taste as me,” Geno said, throwing his arm around Sidney’s shoulder. “You have car, too?” Geno asked curiously.

Sidney sighed. “No, I could only afford either a car or a place to stay, and the place to stay was more important at the time.”

“Makes sense,” Geno said, nodding thoughtfully along. “I was in same place, few months ago. I thought car would be better. Then, I go anywhere I want.” Sidney could tell that Geno was steering them towards where Geno parked.

“I wish I could do that,” Sidney said, softly. “I feel like I’m stuck here.”

Geno smiled sadly. “Is okay, I’m stuck too. Just stuck a little different.”

On the way back home, Sidney leaned his head against Geno’s shoulder while Geno threw his arm around Sidney’s. When they finally pulled up to Sidney’s tiny rented apartment, Sidney sat up, trying to think of anything to say to keep Geno from leaving his life altogether, when Geno cupped his jaw and leaned in for a kiss.

It was soft, gentle, nothing more than a warm press of lips. When they pulled back, Sidney fluttered his eyes open. He didn’t even know he closed them.

“I’m see you tomorrow, maybe?” Geno asked, keeping his hand on Sidney’s face.

“Yes,” Sidney said. “Okay.”

And so Geno saw him tomorrow, and almost every day after that.

\--------

Even though Sidney had a perfectly nice apartment, only a short walk and an even shorter drive from the store he worked at, Geno was always adamant to get them in his car. Sidney never complained, especially not when Geno would would take him on a ride, tuned in to an oldies station as they flew down freeways and backroads without a care in the world.

They would stop wherever Geno felt like stopping, sometimes at a park just before midnight, or fast food place when his stomach rumbled. Sidney never cared where Geno took him.

The best nights were when Geno would crawl in the backseat with him, parked at some shopping mall well into the night where they knew no one would bother them. Geno was always so warm; here, in the dark and tight cabin, all Sidney could feel was Geno's warmth, when he breathed on the back of Sidney’s neck, and when his bare chest pressed against Sidney’s naked back. It was in the backseat when Geno would be everywhere, covering him from all sides, all angles, inside and out.

Afterwards, Geno would hold him and Sidney would lay his head on Geno’s chest, just to listen to his beating heart.

“I’m from Canada,” Sidney murmured one night, out of the blue. “Nova Scotia. Cole Harbour.”

“Is nice there?” Geno asked, his fingers running through Sidney’s hair soothingly.

“I don’t know. I hated it there,” he said, voice soft in the hollow car. Geno made an inquisitive noise.

“My parents-” Sidney started before cutting himself off. “I dunno, G. My mom left with my sister, my dad drank. I had to quit school just to take care of us, because he stopped going to work. And- and,” Sidney had to stop himself because his tears were suffocating him. “And then I left, because I was so mad at him. He ruined my life, I was gonna go to school and play hockey, but I couldn’t.”

Sidney wasn’t sure how much of it Geno heard, but Geno was rubbing his back.

“Sid is so strong,” he murmured, lips pressed to his hair. “So brave.”

“I don’t feel strong or brave. I feel like the world’s biggest fuck up.”

“No, Sid, you not fuck up. You have good job, good place to live, with no help from anyone. You amazing.”

Sidney sniffed and wiped at his cheeks.

“What about you?” Sidney asked, trying desperately to change the subject. “Where are you from?”

“Russia,” Geno said, giving Sidney a weak smile.

“That’s far,” Sidney commented softly, which made Geno laugh.

“Is most far. I’m have to take three planes just to come to to Pennsylvania. I spend lots of money,” Geno said with a sad smile.

“Why did you come here?” Sidney asked quietly, hesitantly. Geno sighed.

“America is good place. Russia is home, Russia is best, but America is America,” he said, rolling his head back against the headrest. “I’m come for job, because I’m think Russia has nothing. I try find, try to send money home for mama and papa.”

Sidney nodded and looked down at the laps. He took Geno’s hand in his.

“How long have you been here?” Sidney asked.

“Three years. I only have one job, but I’m fire." Sidney made a sympathetic noise and kissed Geno's knuckles. "Is okay, I'm think. If I'm not fire, I'm never meet you," Geno said, smiling at Sidney. Sidney wasn't sure who Geno was trying to convince more, Sidney or himself.

"I can help you look for a new job, if you want," Sidney offered, ignoring the pang in his heart. "I know some people who might be hiring. It'll be okay."

Geno didn't smile, but the relief was obvious with how his shoulders sagged.

"You sure?" Geno asked, quiet.

"Of course I'm sure," Sidney said with a soft smile.

Geno's smile was fragile.

"You perfect, Sid," he murmured, pulling Sidney in for a warm hug. Sidney hugged back and thought, with a brief moment of certainty, that they would be okay. 

\--------

“Did anyone call back about a job yet?” Sidney asked, laying in Geno’s arms as they both stared at the dark ceiling above them. Sidney's apartment, however cold it got in the early spring, was always warmed by Geno.

“Not yet,” Geno said. Sidney could feel him tense up underneath him.

“It’s okay, G,” Sidney said, turning his body to kiss the side of Geno’s face. “I know you’re trying. Anyways, we’re getting by okay for now.”

“I don’t want be just okay,” Geno said, voice soft even as it echoed in the empty room.

Sidney sighed softly and nuzzled into Geno’s chest. “I said for now. You’ll find a job soon, I just know it.”

“Is easy to say,” Geno muttered, voice pitched low and quiet. Sidney furrowed his brows.

“It’s easy to say because it’s true. Someone's gonna hire you. If they don’t-”

“If not, then what, Sid?” Geno asked, sitting up abruptly and swinging his legs of the bed. With the moonlight coming in through the window, Sidney could see the tense line of Geno’s shoulders. Sidney couldn’t tell if Geno was shaking or not.

“Geno,” Sidney said softly, putting his hand on Geno’s warm back. When Geno didn’t flinch away, Sidney pulled himself up and hugged Geno’s shoulders from behind.

They were silent, with only the rise and fall of their chests keeping count of how many seconds passed as Sidney held them both together. Sidney spoke first.

“Let’s just leave,” he whispered, resting his chin on Geno’s shoulder. “We can go to Pittsburgh. We’ll find a place to rent, it’ll probably be easier for you to find a job in the city than out here.”

Geno sighed, and Sidney could feel his shoulders relax under him. Sidney wondered if it was in relief or defeat.

“But what about you job here?” Geno muttered, turning his head just slightly to look at Sidney. “You have good pay here. Steady. If you quit-”

“I can find another job, Geno. We need to do this,” Sidney said. Sidney could feel his throat go tight. “I need to do this.”

Geno blinked at him, and even in the dim light, Sidney could see the tears pool in Geno’s eyes. Distantly, Sidney could feel his cheeks turn damp.

Slowly, Geno raised his hand and cupped the side of Sidney’s face. Sidney turned his head and pressed a wet kiss to Geno’s palm.

“Okay,” Geno murmured. “We go.”

And so they went.

\--------

Pittsburgh was different from Kittanning. Sidney never stopped to think about it during his hours of planning, of apartment hunts and job searches, but there were no open roads in the city. Now, there was traffic: an endless series of starts and stops repeating itself to the point of nausea. Every second of Pittsburgh was start and stop. 

Sidney didn't feel stuck anymore, or, at least, stuck in the same way he was in Kittanning, in Cole Harbour. In Pittsburgh, he had options; he could chose which bus to take to work, he could chose where he had his lunch, although most days he went without. Just the other day, he sat by himself in the park for hours, just enjoying the sharp fall breeze and constant moving of people around him. With the wind blowing his hair back off his forehead, Sidney could recall the last time Geno took him on a ride in his car, feeling weightless and free and in love.

\--------

Geno sold the car three months after they moved to Pittsburgh. 

\--------

Distantly, Sidney thinks about the future he wanted: a small but respectable house in a suburb with a respectable job; some kids, although he knew that he would have to settle for dogs, maybe even a cat if he was adventurous; Geno was there, sometimes, with his warm eyes and warm touch.

Sidney doesn't know when turned from okay to bad. He caught hints of it, of Geno coming home late, smelling like alcohol and cigarettes, even on nights when he would promise Sidney that he would come home on time. Every night, Sidney would sit at the table and wait for Geno to stumble through the front door, slurring and red-eyed.

"Is you fault," Geno declared late one night. Sidney can't remember if he provoked him or not; he was talking about the bills, about trying to make ends meet, about Geno trying to find a job, a steadier job than the last one.

"How is this my fault?" Sidney asked, incredulous. "It's not my fault you can't hold down a job."

"Fuck you," Geno spat out. "I do everything for you. I sell car for you, for shitty apartment. All you do is complain." 

"I didn't make you sell your car," Sidney exclaimed. 

"You guilt me. You always guilt me for everything, for not keep job, for not learn English," Geno said angrily, crossing his arms. 

"Okay, but how fucking hard is it to find a job in Pittsburgh?" Sidney asked, frustrated. "I'm not asking you to run for mayor. I found a job in the first month."

"Because you perfect," Geno said, mocking and bitter. Sidney blinked in shock. He could remember, a time not so long ago, when Geno would tell the same thing to him without an ounce of bitterness in his voice. Sidney wanted to cry.

“I am not perfect,” Sidney said, looking down at the worn wood table he was still sitting at, despite every bone in his body begging him to run. 

“No, but you act it, like you better than me,” Geno accused.

“I do not act like I’m better than you,” Sidney scoffed, crossing his arms.

“Oh, really,” Geno asked sarcastically.

“Don’t put your problems on me. I have helped you and supported you since the moment I met you,” Sidney said, snapping his head up at Geno. “Fuck, G, I loved you. I still do.” WIth his admission, Sidney could feel himself lose all the fight that was in him.

Geno was silent, leaning against the kitchen counter with his head hanging. Sidney sighed and stood up.

“I’m love you too,” Geno croaked, looking Sidney in the eye for the first time all evening. “Always.”

Sidney thinks about how Geno used to have the fastest car he had ever seen, but, in the end, it still wasn't fast enough.

\--------

In the end, Sidney stayed with Geno because it was what he knew. It was enough, Sidney told himself, just to have Geno in his life, even if he was jobless and a drunk. Even if Geno was just like his father.

Sidney still hoped, in a dark and hazy corner of his mind, that everything would fall into place. Geno would find that perfect job, Geno would stop drinking, Geno would take him to that small suburban house and raise a family with him. It was easy, though, to shove those thoughts back into the corner they crawled out of. It was always easy to fake a smile.

Sometimes, when Sidney was alone, we would think about fast red cars and a tall boy with the warmest eyes he has ever seen, and try his hardest not to cry.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this was kind of a weird style to write in for me?? it was very tell-y, but i thought it fit well with the sound i was going for - sort of looking back on your past and the good times and watching it all kind of suck nuts. so yeah. you can find me on tumblr [@enceiles](https://www.enceiles.tumblr.com), which is where this was originally posted.
> 
> seriously tho, thank you everyone for reading!!


End file.
